Ruffled
by Nicola Alroy
Summary: After finding the missing angel of Thursdays, the Winchester brothers embark on a mission to get him and his cow, Bess to the Wisconsia Cheese Festival. They are chased by the Imperial Cheese Guard, Zachariah and his faithful Impala steed. WILL BE UPDATED ... SOON. Srsly. I'm writing the next chapter right now. This instant. As in this very second.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: To Skalala, who thought of the idea for the most part and to Bay, because she makes Poor Life Choices. SPN doesn't belong to me. Nor does Tangled. Foul language will be included eventually, but no plans for sexy fun times at all. Yet. (Maybe? No idea.) It takes place in a … psuedomodern AU fairy tale sort of world.

Blahdeblahblah, let's get this show on the road.

**Ruffled **

This is the story of how I died.

Oh, quit your crying, this is a good story. Honestly? It ain't even mine. This is a story about an angel named Castiel and it starts with a cow. A long ass time ago, there was a small village that was blessed by the angel of Thursdays. He was much loved by the people of this town.

They had a belief that, if God smiled upon the people, they would be given a cow. Now, this would be no ordinary cow. It had some sort of magic that made the best damn cheese you ever tasted. It healed the wounded, kept you young, and was just really damn good cheese. The blessing would be on all the cows of the town, so long as The Cow was nearby.

They got The Cow and – oh, see that grumpy farmer over there? Remember him. He's important – anyway, The Cow lived as long as cows do, and then it died. But it left its blessing on the angel of the people. As long as he was there, they would keep the magic cheese. When he disappeared occasionally, they understood. I mean, he's a flipping angel of God, how could they expect him to stay I that boring punkass town twenty four/seven?

Anyway, while he was gone, there was a war. Many were wounded, but luckily, few died thanks to the magical cheese. They would need more to heal everyone, so they went looking for a miracle. For their magical cheese angel.

The angel was, indeed – okay, who uses words like this? Really? Indeed? … Whatever. The angel was on his way home when he found a tower. Now, Cas is a curious little nerd, so he went to see what was up with the mysterious tower. The Farmer – remember him? – had circled the tower with holy oil. When Castiel entered, he set the oil ablaze, trapping him until the fire was squelshed. For extra measure, he made another one in the main room. Like a dick.

That (the second circle, not the farmer being a dick) along with a little memory magic left our angel stuck in the tower with nowhere to go and no idea that he was powerful enough to smite his jailer should he so choose. With the angel so nearby, the farmer's cows became the only ones capable of producing the milk that would make the best damn cheese ever and he kept all the cheese to himself. The bastard.

The people of the town, even after they were healed, still wanted their angel back. Not because of the blessing, but because of his 'goodness.' Every Thursday, they would send out a floating balloon that was big enough to carry a cheese wheel. It descended into the Heavens, a calling card to their cheese angel.

The years went by, the village became a massive city. Thousands lived there, all knowing and missing the cheese angel. They stopped releasing cheese once every Thursday. Guess they didn't want to waste cheese.

But once a year, they would release hundreds of thousands of cheese wheels into the sky, on the longest Thursday of the year. They would buy a lot of the cheese, ironically enough, from the Farmer, who sold what he had left over once and only once a year. The bastard.

But this story isn't about him. And it's not about me either. Not yet. I'm leaving this pop stand for a chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: This is still to Skalala, who thought of the idea for the most part and to Bay, because she makes Poor Life Choices. And because, well, she's the best. SPN doesn't belong to me. Nor does Tangled. Foul language will be included, but no plans for sexy fun times at all. It takes place in a … psuedomodern fairy tale sort of world.

Blahdeblahblah, let's get this show on the road.

One single cow was brave enough to eat by the fires. Her name was Bess, and she was a hardy cow. Even the bulls would not approach the flames or eat below the single window of the tower. You could see _him_ up there, staring out sometimes. Not all the time, but most of the time, the man with the wide eyes, blue suit and the brown hair would stare out of the window. And sometimes, he would sing. . . .

_7 AM, the usual morning lineup:  
Stare at the wall and stare til I have to blink  
Blink, Blink some more, wonder why my eyes have dried up  
Stare again, and by then it's like 7:15._

And so I'll watch some porn.  
I got some DVDs  
I'll eat a few more burgers but I'm not hungry  
I'll blink some more and blink  
And blink and basically  
Just wonder when will my life begin?

Then after lunch it's burgers and porn and blinking  
Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess  
Peace and tranquility, pie baking  
Then I'll stare, maybe blink, take a fly,  
Stare at Bess!

And I'll wait some more  
If I have time to spare  
I'll paint the walls with blood  
Enochian symbols everywhere!  
And then I'll stare and stare,  
and stare and stare and stare  
Stuck in the same place I've always been.

And I'll keep waitin' and wonderin'  
And waitin' and wonderin'  
When will my life begin?

And tomorrow night,  
The cheese will appear  
Just like they do, magical floating cheese wheels  
What is it like  
Out there where they blow?  
I do like cheese.  
I really... want to go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: To Skalala, who thought of the idea for the most part and to Bay, because she makes Poor Life Choices. SPN doesn't belong to me. Nor does Tangled. Still no foul language. Still no sexytimes (sorry).

Blahdeblahblah, let's get this show on the road.

**Ruffled: Chapter 3**

Dean just really wanted some cheese.

"What're you doing?" Sam hissed, grabbing him and pulling him into a room just as a guard walked past. "I swear, you don't even think!"

"We're in Wisconsia, Sam. I'm not leaving here without some cheese!"

"We can buy some!"

Dean shook his head. "No, Sammyboy. This is Royal Cheese. Royal. It's the ultimate way to give authority the finger, Sam!"

Sam rolled his eyes. "We just need to get the coat and we're good. For life! Set. . . and you're thinking about cheese?"

"Sam, listen: there are hundreds of raincoats in this world. Hundreds. Thousands, even. But Royal Cheese? There's only like, five wheels of that stuff, brother!"

Sam didn't reply. He saw it, right in front of them. The Angel's Trenchcoat. It had been something left behind the last time they saw him and they kept it, waiting for his return. It was said to have magical properties.

"Doesn't look like anything special," Dean muttered, grabbing a sleeve, holding it up and dropping it. "Looks like I popped to a department store. . . "

"Dean, it's sacred to them. Be nice." Sam pulled out a bag and gently put the coat into it.

Dean chuckled. "Yeah. Say that as you steal it." He turned. "Come on, let's go. I'm stealing me some Royal Chee-"

Standing in the doorway were three guards, all three in matching gold uniforms with black and blue piping and each holding a cheese wheel.

"Well," Sam said, looking at his brother. "Is your cheese going to get us out of this?"

Dean looked around them, his eyes landing directly to the left. "Yup." He reached out, grabbed a wheel of cheese and chunked it at the window to his left. The brothers leaped through the window, leaving the guards dumbfounded behind them.

"Don't crumple that bag!" Dean hissed as they leaped off the rooftop and onto the green, green grass. "That thing cost me a cheese wheel!"

Sam said nothing, just kept running.

Then came the horn. The horn of the most feared guardsman in Wisconsia: Zachariah.

Zachariah was an overly righteous man who was said to once possess hair as long as the trade routes of Wisconsia. Now, he had only a gleaming sphere and a superiority complex. No, not only that = he had the best mode of transport in the entire nation. Zachariah was the sole driver of the Impala. He treasured it, kept it as his own and it returned the love in kind.

"You know," Dean said with a grin. "When this is all over, I want to get myself a sweet ride."

"Dean, we have more important things to think about than your _sweet ride."_

"I'm just saying! Couldn't you imagine me in that Impala?"

"If we don't run faster, we're going to be _under_ that Impala!"

Dean sighed. "Good point."

And with that, they burst into the woods.


	4. Chapter 4

"Farmer Knows Best"

Castiel was alone in his perfect little tower. He had his own personal brand of solace, but he constantly felt as if he were missing something. Something big. He thought this as he had a staring war with Bess, who was his favorite cow. She seemed fond of him, in a cow-y way.

"CAAAASSTTTIIEEEEEEEEEELLLL!"

The voice grated at his nerves. He broke eye contact with Bess and took an unnecessary breath. "Yes?"

"Oh, Castiel! Look at you, having silly little staring matches with beasts." The farmer did not look like much of a farmer. With his thin black hair and beady black eyes, he looked more like a sales representative. Unlike less devious farmers, this one wore a suit of black and tended to get others to do his dirty work. He only handled the business side of things. Specifically, relations with the source of all the blessed cheese. "You're so peculiar."

Castiel didn't reply. He simply continued staring out the window.

"Oh, Cassie, don't be that way.

Farmer :  
You want to go outside? Why, Castiel...!  
Look at you, as innocent as an angel  
Still a little nerdling, just a man  
You know why we stay up in this tower

Castiel:  
No, not really. What is this 'We' stuff abo-

Farmer :  
That's right, to keep you safe and sound, dear  
Guess I always knew this day was coming  
Knew that soon you'd want to leave the nest  
Soon, but not yet

Castiel:  
But -

Farmer :  
Shh!  
Trust me, pet  
Farmer knows best  
Farmer knows best  
Listen to the Farmer  
It's a scary world out there!

Castiel:

No, I'm pretty sure I could-

Farmer:  
Farmer knows best  
One way or another  
Something will go wrong, I swear  
Ruffians, thugs  
Holy fire, archangels!  
Demons (-snerk-) and snakes  
The plague!

Castiel:  
Wasn't that hundreds of years ago?

Farmer :  
No!

Castiel:  
But -

Farmer :  
Also large hounds  
Men with pointy teeth, and

Castiel:

Stop. Seriously. Just put out the fire.

Farmer:  
Farmer's right here  
Farmer will protect you  
Cassie, here's what I suggest  
Skip the drama  
Stay with Farma  
Farmaaaaa knows best  
Farmer knows best  
Take it from the Farmer  
On your own, you won't survive  
Sloppily dressed  
Unnatural, odd?  
Please, they'll eat you up alive  
Gullible, naÎve  
Positively grubby  
Ignorant and a bit, well, hmm vague  
Plus, I believe  
Gettin' kinda chubby  
I'm just saying 'cause the burgers  
Farmer understands  
Farmer's here to help you  
All I have is one request  
Castiel?

Castiel:  
Yes?

Farmer :  
Don't ever ask to leave this tower again.

Castiel:

Farmer :  
I love you very much, dear.

Castiel:  
…. Really? The definition of love is not threatening someone with fir-

"Castiel," the farmer said. "Sssh, I'm off to make cheese."

"But you do not make the cheese."

The farmer sighed. "Castiel, overlooking cheese production is making cheese. We've discussed this." He patted the angel on the head. "Ta, love."

Castiel stared after him. This was not love. The pizza man had put it differently. "Um. Okay."

"Don't wait up!"

With that, Castiel was alone once more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Still not in any way related to SPN or Disney. This is still for Bay, who is like Rapunzel if she were a real people. Still for Skalaladickiedingdong. Thanks to Alyx, who is the reason why I actually came back to writing this, even if it was three months later.

To say there's no foul language would be misleading. Still no sexy times.

Dean pushed his way through a brush, leaving a hole for Sam.

"Where are they?" Sam hissed, looking at their meager camp. They had settled the previous night in order to plan. Their two accomplices, Meg and Ruby, had stayed behind for 'surveillance' and now they were nowhere to be found.

"Damn it, I knew those two were trouble!"

"Dean, I trust them. Maybe they just-"

"Boys, boys, boys," came a voice from above. A moment later and the fair maiden, Ruby had revealed herself. With hair as auburn as the fall leaves and a tongue as sharp as any sword, she had seemed to be a perfect choice when the boys had gone about needing a partner for their big heist.

With Ruby had come Meg. They were a package deal and rarely left one another's sight.

"Where's the other Doublemint?" Dean asked, looking at Ruby warily. Sam might have thought she was ideal, but Dean had his doubts. "You two were supposed to be watching."

"Calm down, Winchester."

Ruby pointed up. "We've been watching."

Branches rustled and a form dropped from the trees. It was Meg, holding a knapsack. "That the coat?"

"Yeah."

She grinned, holding open her bag. "Here, it'll be safe in here."

Dean gripped his own bag tighter. "I've got it."

"Suit yourself." Meg threw it over her shoulder, though it was obvious she was disappointed. "We've got to get out of here." She held up a wanted poster. "They're already after us."

"Us?" Dean snerked. "Looks more like the two of us." He frowned. "They never get my nose right. Really, is it that hard? It's just a swoop. A manly, handsome swoop."

"Get over it. We heard the horns. You've got the Imperial Cheese Guard after you, which means Zachariah." Ruby began to tie up her brown curls. "Meg, Sam and I will be able to distract him. You run to the rendezvous point."

"No way, I'm not leaving Dean."

Ruby smiled, her crimson lips curling in a most devious fashion. "You think they'll chase after two innocent maidens or the boys on the wanted poster?" After a brief pause, she said, "I think you know the answer to that. If you come with us, we can dress Meg up like Dean. Dean will be able to get away. We'll meet up again, sell the coat and part friends."

"Rendezvous?" Dean blinked.

"The Roadhouse, moron," Meg snapped. "We meet there by nightfall tomorrow and be out of her by the Cheese Festival the day after."

"Right." Dean mentally examined the map of Wisconsia. The Roadhouse was never more than a few hours away, which meant he had to go South if they were going North. Sure, it would make him arrive later than the others, but it would be worth it. He could buy a legion of Impalas with his cut of the profit alone. With Sammy's, they could buy their own island if they wanted to.

Heh. That sounded perfect. Their own island with babes, booze and Impalas. An entire herd of them, roaming free on the highways and roads.

"Dean?"

Dean snapped to attention. "Huh?"

Meg was slipping the jacket from his shoulders and putting it on. "Remember, the Roadhouse. You know the Roadhouse?"

"Yeah."

She began to rub dirt in her hair, coloring it darker. "Good."

A horn sounded once more in the distance. They were closing in.

"Son of a b-"

"Dean! Run!"

And that is how Dean Winchester, son of the dreaded knight, John Winchester, found himself running through dark, distressing woods.

**Next chapter: **The Impala's alone on the hunt and Dean meets a cow.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Still not in any way related to SPN or Disney. I don't own anything. This is still for Bay, who is like Rapunzel if she were a real person. Realized the 'people' bit from last chapter. Eek! ANYWHO: still for Skalaladickiedingdong, who I am very fond of.

Apologies to people who actually thought I would be posting often, but I'm working on, you know, not sucking at updating. I'm starting to get a flow going and a format that is the same every time. Hopefully that makes up for it. There will only be a couple more chapters that are just entirely a song (Look forward to "At Last, I See the Cheese" and "I Have Some Wings").

To say there's no foul language would be misleading. Still no sexy times. Honestly, I doubt sexy times will happen. As a result, after this chapter there will be no more sexy time alerts or warnings unless there is ACTUALLY SEXY TIMES.

Anyone tired of cheese puns can shove it.

**Chapter 6**

The Impala had a job and it was very, very good at its job. Being a sentient car was one thing, but being the top steed to the top member of the Imperial Cheese Guard was another. It required skill, class, finesse . . . and a bitchin' soundtrack. Lutetalica, Cheesence Clearmilk Revival and Cheese Journey were among many of the songs that would run through the air as it hunted. Zachariah wasn't particularly fond of them, but it wasn't in his power to change the radio. Only the True Rider could change the radio, according to legend. Then again, legend also stated that he wouldn't want to.

There were many parts of the legend that talked about the True Rider. He would be rugged and wild. He would know how to not only ride inside the fated Impala but how to drive it as well. He would know its true name at first sight. It infuriated Zachariah to no end that he was not the rider that was foretold, but he took solace in that he had the Impala and no one else did. Sure, there were others, but none with the shimmering black paint job and the awe inspiring power that his possessed.

Unfortunately, the Impala also had a tendency to overheat and break down. At times such as these, Zachariah could send it to the Royal mechanic to get it fixed. Hard to, though, when the damned thing breaks down in the middle of the forest.

"You have to be kidding me."

The Impala replied with a sullen rumble.

"Zachariah," said one of the younger guards. "You'll have to ride with us. We can send for it later-"

"No!" Zachariah spat. "I can fix it. I know I can. . ."

The younger guards rolled their eyes as the bald man attempted to open the hood.

_I see an orange moon a'rising_

_It smells like the fanciest of cheese_

_Looks like we're in for dairy weather . . _

"Damn it, stop!" Zach hit the hood. It popped open, hitting him square in the face as the music puttered out. The guards erupted in laughter, silenced only when Zachariah gave them a glare that would melt steel.

"Raphael, I'll ride with you. Since Gabriel here seems to find this oh. So. Hilarious, he can stay with the Impala until someone picks it up."

Gabriel, a golden haired guard of thirty, forced a frown. Yeah, right. He was totally staying here. Raphael's face did not change. He had a constant grimace, even when laughing. He nodded. "Yes, sir. Get in, sir."

Gabriel hopped out and Zachariah replaced him.

Would it surprise anyone to know that, as soon as Zach and Raphael were out of sight, Gabriel snuck off? It shouldn't. It really, truly shouldn't.

Dean smelled them before he saw them. The stench of livestock hung in the air, drowning out the overpowering scent of trees. Dean was not fond of animals, even dogs. Especially dogs. Demons – beings he had encountered one too many a time – kept hellhounds as guards. Many a thief before him had lost a thumb, a leg or a life to one of these creatures. Dean had heard the tales.

But, being in Wisconsia for more than five minutes, he knew that the smell belonged to cattle. Cattle seemed to be a really big frigging deal in Wisconsia.

As soon as he hit the clearing, his annoyance at the cattle was replaced by wonder. Cows may have been a common item, but giant gleaming towers were not. Gleaming towers half _on fire_ were not, either.

He was in a green wonderland. Cows dotted the valley and the only break in the beautiful monotony was that flaming tower.

"Mooooo."

"Yeah, yeah, hi to you too."

The cow, black and white with bulbous eyes, nudged him with her nose. "Moooooooooooooooooo."

"I get it, already. Damn. Hate cows."

"Moo."

She did not look like she appreciated that.

He looked behind him, hearing the oncoming crunch that signaled a steed's parade through the woods, looked back at the tower. Fire or not, looks like that was going to be the one way out. He pushed past the cow and ran for the tower.

He put out the first fire with his own coat. The second one would just have to be jumped over, but he figured it would be easier enough. The climb was a cake walk. Hopping over the fire ring was another.

What he did not expect was the television that smashed into the back of his head moments later.


End file.
